Unhealthy Relationships
“Look within! The secret is inside you.”
– Hui-Neng
We all should be seen and heard.
You have probably heard it said that having a healthy relationship with yourself leads to more beneficial relationships with others. However, even though most of us know that, most are still looking for external validation, sometimes in the wrong places.
We compare ourselves to others and hope that we are seen in a good light by both our loved ones and the next stranger we meet. A desire for connection and being seen and heard are basic human needs. Complications arise when we try to hold on to a relationship at any price, even when the connection is harmful.
Where do I begin and where do you end?
Have you ever felt that no matter what you did in a relationship, it was never good enough for the other person? I know I did.
Living your life with the burden of trying to do everything for the other person takes all your energy. This effort impacts your mental and physical well-being, especially if you fail to be seen, loved, accepted, and respected by that person.
In those types of relationships, no matter what you do, it will never be good enough in the eyes of the other party. As a result, you begin to feel that you are not good enough, not worthy of love, not deserving to be seen and heard.
You try so hard to please the other person that you begin to disappear in their shadow, and this takes away your light.
Blaming yourself is not the answer.
Now, you live in fear that your partner will leave. Because by now, you have lost yourself, and you most likely have become isolated from friends and or family. Now that person seems to be the only person you have. What’s heartbreaking is that you most likely blame yourself and take responsibility, including for behaviors/actions that were not yours.
Listening to your fear and negative thoughts.
“I want out, but I am scared to be alone.”
“Since I was a teenager, this friendship has been part of my life. I can’t just let it go.”
“This person will never let me go.”
“I will never meet anyone who wants me like this person.”
“It is my fault. I should have tried harder.”
“We have been together for years… how am I going to start all over again?”
“This relationship is hurting me, but I love them.”
“If my partner loves me so much, why does that love feel so painful and unsteady?”
Healthy relationships should not make you have these feelings. In a healthy and safe relationship, you do not have fear thoughts always.
In your relationships, you should not fear every move you make and rethink every step you take. When you are constantly questioning yourself and being worried all the time, you are most likely not feeling safe and content.
Time to face the truth!
When you are in a vicious cycle of an unhealthy relationship, negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness become part of your daily life. A healthy connection, a healthy attachment between people, can lead to struggles and challenges, and that is part of any relationship. But when those challenges cross the line and become a big issue day in and day out, then the relationship is not healthy.
Healthy relationships are two-sided, not one-sided.
There is no perfect relationship.
We are human – we will have tension, disagreement, and disconnection at times in our relationships. However, you should feel free to be your authentic self; you should feel cared for, supported, seen, heard, and respected.
You should feel safe during disagreements, arguments, and fights. You should feel free to communicate when tension arises. When you disagree, you should feel comfortable using your voice and sharing your wants and needs.
You should listen, see, hear, care, and respect the other person in the connection and allow that person to share and voice their needs and wants, even during a disagreement. In an abusive/unhealthy relationship, it is not unusual to suddenly feel unfamiliar to yourself, detached from the world you knew, and feeling like you are losing your mind.
Breaking the silence and letting your light shine.
Being heard and seen is where therapy can help. It allows you to find a safe ground where you can find your self, your light. In the therapeutic relationship, you will be seen, heard, and accepted as you are. You will have space to share your desires and the things that you did not think you would want.
Together, we will break the silence following your lead. We will let go of shame and guilt. You will learn to build healthier boundaries, develop better coping skills, and find your voice again.
It’s about the present, not the past.
Although we may look at what brought you here, the focus will be on the present, not the past. It is about you learning to be hopeful and healing from the past. You will learn about behaviors that work in a relationship, as well as voicing what you would like to change. It’s about listening to your inner child and your inner adult self, as you discover what you truly need in a relationship.
Throughout our time together, you will have the support and freedom to be yourself and to make your own decisions about your next step.
“The highest form of wisdom is kindness.” – The Talmud
Remember, things fall into place when you find kindness and compassion toward yourself. With self-compassion and self-kindness, you will learn to allow yourself to feel and express your experiences without the constant voice of judgment from yourself and from others.
It’s time to be seen and heard.
Let’s toss shame and guilt out the door and learn to be kind to yourself. What’s the worst that can happen? You may find safety, a sense of purpose, new ways of talking to and about yourself, and healthier ways of doing and being. You may find that you like and respect yourself.
You matter and are enough!
